Dr Judith Orloff's Blog

Adapted from Dr. Judith Orloff’s NY Times bestseller “Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life” (Three Rivers Press, 2011)

Sensitive men are incredibly attractive. They are path-forgers in the new paradigm of the evolved man. Strong and sensitive. Intuitive and powerful. They’re able to give and receive love without ambivalence, being “unavailable,” or commitment phobia.

In my book Emotional Freedom, I write extensively about the power of empaths and describe strategies for how empaths can stay centered and strong in an overwhelming world. Since I’m an empath and worship sensitivity, I want to help empathic men (and women) cultivate this asset and be more comfortable with it. Empathic men often have a harder time than women because in Western culture sensitivity may be seen as a weakness or too “feminine.” This is a huge misconception. The new evolved man is skillful in balancing both the masculine and feminine in himself, embodying his full power.

Empaths are highly sensitive, finely tuned instruments when it comes to emotions. They feel everything, sometimes to an extreme and are less apt to intellectualize feelings. This is particularly challenging for men as they are often told by society while growing up, “Big boys don’t cry.” That’s why it’s so important for sensitive men to let go of stereotypes and learn to embrace their gifts. I understand how hurtful the negative messages about being “overly sensitive” can feel—also how easy it is to get overwhelmed by excessive stimuli in the world. I've always been hyper-attuned to other people’s moods, good and bad. Before I learned to protect my energy, I felt them lodge in my body. Crowded places amplified my empathy.

The great beauty of male empaths is that they can feel where you are coming from. Some can do this without taking on people’s feelings. However, for better or worse, others, like myself and many of my patients, can become emotional sponges for other people’s stress. This often overrides the sublime capacity to absorb positive emotions. If empaths are around peace and love, their bodies assimilate these and flourish. Negativity, though, often feels assaultive, exhausting. Thus, empaths are particularly easy marks for emotional vampires, whose fear or rage can ravage them. As a subconscious defense, empathic men may gain weight as a buffer. Plus, an empath’s sensitivity can be overwhelming in romantic relationships; many stay single since they haven’t learned to negotiate their special cohabitation needs with a partner.

A man’s empathy allows him to love more fully and be more committed in a loving relationship. But empathic men must nurture their sensitivities while also grounding themselves in their power and setting boundaries with negative people so they aren’t drained. For more relationship strategies read my blog, “Relationship Tips for Highly Sensitive People.”

Recognizing that you’re an empath is the first step in taking charge of your emotions instead of constantly drowning in them. As one empath to another, I want to legitimize your sensitivity so you don’t think you’re losing your mind. I’d had numerous patients who’ve said, “Judith, I thought there was something wrong with me. I feel like such a sissy.” Not so. Our systems are just more permeable. Also realize that the fact that you’re the only person feeling something doesn’t invalidate your perceptions. To maintain resolve in an emotionally coarse world, empaths must have enough self-knowledge to clearly articulate their needs. Staying on top of empathy will improve your self-care and relationships. Here’s a summary of this emotional type.

Upside of Being an Empathic Man

You’ve got a big heart, are gifted in helping others.

Your sensitivity makes you passionate, a great lover, and exquisitely sensual.

You’re intuitive about people’s thoughts and feelings.

You’re emotionally responsive, can relate to another’s feelings.

You’re in touch with your body and emotions.

You have a palpable sense of spirituality.

Downside of Being an Empathic Man

You’re an emotional sponge, absorbing people’s negativity.

You’re so sensitive to emotions, you feel like a wire without insulation.

You’re prone to anxiety, depression, fatigue.

You may feel hemmed in living in the same space with other people.

You may have chronic, debilitating physical symptoms.

You have difficulty setting boundaries with draining people, get run over by them.

Honestly accessing which traits are productive or not makes you freer. Of course, you want to be emotionally charitable, intuitive, and open, an empath’s assets. However, empathy won’t make you free if you walk around perpetually raw, easily fractured, or have your wildness go out in a whimper because you’re constantly having to emotionally defend yourself. For a male empath to be comfortable in his own skin it’s important to find the right mix of intellect, feeling, and grounding. Here are some exercises from my book, Emotional Freedom to help you achieve this.

Emotional Action Step. How Empathic Men (And Women) Can Find Balance

Practice these strategies:

Enlist your intellect. When you’re emotionally wrung out or suspect you’ve taken on someone’s distress, think things through to counter anxiety. Use both positive self-talk and logic to get grounded. Repeat this mantra: “It is not my job to take on the emotions of others. I can be loving without doing so.”

Allow quiet time to emotionally decompress. Get in the habit of taking calming mini-breaks throughout the day. Breathe in some fresh air. Stretch. Take a short walk around the office. These interludes will reduce the excessive stimulation of going non-stop.

Practice guerilla meditation. To counter emotional overload, act fast and meditate for a few minutes. Find a private place to close your eyes. Lower your expectations--it doesn’t have to be Shangri-La. Do two things while meditating. First, keep exhaling pent-up negative emotions--loneliness, worry, and more. Feel them dissipate with each breath. Second, put your hand over your heart and visualize loving-kindness permeating you from head to toe. These actions will quickly relax you.

Define and honor your empathic needs. Safeguard your sensitivities. In a calm, collected moment, make a list of your top five most emotionally stressful situations. Then formulate a plan for handling them so you don’t fumble in the moment. For example:

If someone asks too much of you, politely tell them “no.” It’s not necessary to explain why. As the saying goes, “No is a complete sentence.”

If your comfort level is three hours max for socializing--even if you adore the people--take your own car or have an alternate transportation plan so you’re not stranded.

If crowds are overwhelming, eat a high-protein meal beforehand (this grounds you) and sit in the far corner of, say, a theatre or party, not dead center.

If you feel nuked by perfume, nicely request that your friends refrain from wearing it around you. If you can’t avoid it, stand near a window or take frequent breaks to catch a breath of fresh air outdoors.

Carve out private space at home. Then you won’t be stricken by the feeling of too much togetherness.

When empathic men can learn the above skills to develop their sensitivities and ward off negativity, they will be more alive, more loving, more creative. Over time, I suggest adding to this list to pinpoint new protective strategies. You don’t have to reinvent the wheel each time you’re on emotional overload. With pragmatic strategies to cope, empaths can feel safer, and their sensitivity talents can flourish.

I'm intrigued with the idea of surrender, not as defeat or loss but as a positive, intuitive way of living, power that grows as you develop trust in the moment as well as in change and the unknown. In Sanskrit, surrender is "samprada," meaning to give completely, or deliver wholly over. I'm defining it as the grace of letting go at the right moment--the ability to accept what-is, to exhale and flow downstream with the cycles of life instead of battling them or anxiously brooding. Surrender doesn't mean always saying "yes" to everything--that can be dangerous and unwise--but it does mean going fully with a decision even if it entails withdrawing from someone or saying "no" to anger or fear.

Though surrender may seem counter-intuitive to making your goals happen, it can actually be the magical factor that facilitates this and relieves gridlock. Life becomes easier when you're able to let go. Burdens will lift or get lighter. Without wanting to, we may become overly defended and hold our hearts back way too much. But surrender frees you from these cages so it'll feel safer to love.

I invite you to watch my TedX Talk on the surrender. Why is it so powerful in success, health, and relationships? You can sabotage success by pushing too hard. Surrender is the antidote to stress in a world that relentlessly conspires to interrupt creative thought. Surrender boosts your brain's endorphins, our blissful neurochemicals.

Adapted from Dr. Judith Orloff's ”Positive Energy: 10 Extraordinary Prescriptions for Transforming Fatigue, Stress, and Fear into Vibrance, Strength, and Love ”

Are you longing for relationships that do your heart good and generate stronger connections? Tired of poor choices? Tepid chemistry? Want a more commanding role in who you attract? Knowing about energy can transform your modus operandi in this not-always-easy area to prevent loneliness and insidious fatigue. Then, no longer in an endless uphill battle, all systems are “go” for achieving your fondest dreams.

In my book, Positive Energy I discuss how to generate the positive energy of attraction: that mysterious, seemingly elusive magnetism between us. It masterminds love, friendship, work, and the chemistry of shared ventures. Attraction’s opposite is repulsion or aversion, the force that pushes away. As a psychiatrist, I work with my patients to help them grasp the energetic exchange between people - those who give energy, and those who drain it. Though attraction is often paired with appearance, IQ, bank account, or charm, these aren’t enough to summon such blessings. Doing so depends on realizing that you don’t just want attention; you want the right kind. The level of attraction I’m referring to has to do with life essences jibbing, a byproduct of both karma and smarts. You can’t completely control it, but you can modify your vibes to maximize possibilities.

How can we harness this intriguing alchemy to bring yearned-for prospects to us? The crux is to strive to energetically embody what we want to attract. For starters, take at look at where you’re at now. This entails nailing down parameters for what being positive does and doesn’t mean in terms of attitude and behavior. Once you’re definitive about this, you can strengthen these traits in yourself, and attract the same. What sets positive people apart is a determination to do their best, and not succumb to what’s negative in themselves or externals. Here is how I see it:

Positive people are:

4 Strategies to Attract Positive People and Situations in Your Life

Energy doesn’t simply have an on-off switch. Just as a radio emits has a volume control, you can adjust your vibes. You can amp them up with some people, tone them down with others. Here’s how to boost your positive signals.

1. Identify your best parts and speak from them.
Pinpoint your finest qualities. Perhaps irreverence, sensitivity, compassion, humor--then project them to the world. By speaking up and stepping out of your comfort zone you’re enlarging your energy field. Before meeting new people or going to important events prime yourself. Take a break for an inner pep talk. Think, “I’m not going to focus on my insecurity but on a strength; I’m going to feel and trust the positive energy inside me. I’m going to claim my full power.” Such a selective attention device puts your best parts front and center. Then, perspective shifted, it’s easier to confidently move forward. You can’t overdo this approach. Use it routinely. Making a choice about where you’re coming from focuses your energy.

2. Extend love outward.
Love creates an irresistible charisma, a warm glow that makes us and others happy. You can send it in any situation, a nurturing that won’t drain us. How? Focus on your heart, and envision something you love. A flock of seagulls. Your son’s smile. A blooming rose. Then, during a conversation, inwardly ask, “Let love flow through me.” Feel it rise from your chest; notice a sense of heat, serenity, a radiance. These energies move outward. People soften around it, feel safe, and want more. So, when standing by your boss start pumping away. Loving energy smoothes the rough edges of any circumstance, facilitates rapport. Try it even if you don’t like someone, but seek to get along better.

3. Regularly Meditate
Happiness can be increased by meditating. Cutting edge brain research confirms that we all have a certain mood set point, a range of feelings we usually inhabit. But with regular meditation, it’s been shown that we can alter our habitual moods towards the positive. In chapter 2 of Positive Energy I describe a simple but powerful 3 minute mini meditation to open your heart center. Use this method. When feelings surface during meditation, monitor them. Focus on what’s uplifting, not the swirl of negative emotions. Use your breath to center yourself. This inner turnabout transmutes pessimism to something higher. Subsequently, your vibes change; others will respond.

4. Commit to Emotional Housecleaning
Consistently chipping away at the negative makes room for more positivity in yourself. Self-awareness is our greatest ally against fear. Psychotherapy, introspection, meditation, journaling, and/or talking with friends all further healing. As negativity remits, you become more alluring.

Remember when doing this work not to hold idealized expectations, everyone--including yourself!--has irritating/challenging/disappointing aspects. We all have foibles. Even so, you can legitimately hope to personify and attract others fighting their way out of the muck with an open heart and sense of humor. These are my heroes and friends.

Adapted from Dr. Judith Orloff’s NY Times bestseller, “Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life” (Three Rivers Press, 2011)

As a psychiatrist I teach my patients the importance of learning how to deal effectively with draining people. In “Emotional Freedom”, I discuss one of these types which I call “The Victim Mentality.”

The victim grates on you with a poor-me attitude, and is allergic to taking responsibility for their actions. People are always against them, the reason for their unhappiness. They portray themselves as unfortunates who demand rescuing, and they will make you into their therapist. As a friend, you want to help, but you become overwhelmed by their endless tales of woe: A boyfriend stormed out…again; a mother doesn’t understand; a diva-boss was ungrateful. When you suggest how to put an end to the pity party, they’ll say, “Yes…but,” then launch into more unsolvable gripes. These vampires may be so clingy they stick to you like flypaper.

Take the AM I IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A “VICTIM” Quiz

If you typically get drawn into fixing other people’s problems, chances are, you’ve attracted numerous victims into your life. To identify if you are in relationship with a victim mark Yes or No to the following characteristics:

Give each “Yes” response one point and count your score. If your score is three or more then you are probably in relationship with at victim. Interacting with this type of person can cause you to be irritated or drained and will make you want to avoid them.

Strategies to Deal with a Victim Mentality:

Set Limits with an Iron Hand and a Velvet Glove
I love what Mahatma Gandhi says: “A 'No' uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a 'Yes' merely uttered to please, or, what is worse, to avoid trouble.” Kind but firm limit setting is healthy. People must take responsibility for their own lives. You’re not in the business of fixing anyone. Enabling always backfires. Without limits, a relationship isn’t on equal ground; and no one wins. You might well feel, “I’m sick and tired of your complaints.” But instead, using a more measured tone, here’s how to address some common situations.

Use these methods to deter victims

Whether you’re confronting a drainer or transforming your own negativity, being empathic is vital. Elevating you to the realm of the heart, empathy allows you to non-defensively understand, even have mercy on antagonizers. Also, you’ll better intuit the feelings behind someone’s words. If a friend complains that you’re being selfish, the deeper meaning could be, “I’m hurt because we’re not spending enough time together.” With empathy, you’re privy to hidden motives. Seeing people’s frailties with compassion doesn’t make you a door mat. Though you may not choose to subject yourself to them, you need not hold this suffering against them. Labeling someone “the enemy” is a spiritual wrong turn.

Adapted from Dr. Judith Orloff’s new book “Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life” (Three Rivers Press, 2011)

"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself."
...Saint Francis De Sales

Every day there are plenty of good reasons to be frustrated. Another long line. Telemarketers. A goal isn’t materializing “fast enough.” People don’t do what they’re supposed to. Rejection. Disappointment. How to deal with it all? You can drive yourself crazy, behave irritably, feel victimized, or try to force an outcome--all self-defeating reactions that alienate others and bring out the worst in them. Or, you can learn to transform frustration with patience.

As a psychiatrist, I help others see that patience doesn’t mean passivity or resignation, but power. It’s an emotionally freeing practice of waiting, watching, and knowing when to act. To many people, when you say, “Have patience,” it feels unreasonable and inhibiting, an unfair stalling of goals. In contrast, I’m presenting patience as a form of compassion, a way to regain your center in a world filled with frustration.

In “Emotional Freedom”, I discuss how to transform frustration with patience. To tame frustration, begin by evaluating its present role in your life, how much it limits your capacity to be happy. The following quiz will let you know where you are now so you can grow freer by developing patience.

Frustration Quiz: How Frustrated Am I?

To determine your success at coping with this emotion, ask yourself:

Answering “yes” to 5-7 questions indicates an extremely high level of frustration. 3-5 “yeses” indicates a high level. 2 “yeses” indicates a moderate level. 1 “yes” indicates a low level. Zero “yeses” suggests you’re dealing successfully with this emotion.

Even if your frustrations are off the charts, patience is the cure. You’ll have plenty of opportunities to cultivate this invaluable skill. Life teaches patience if you let it.

4 Tips for Dealing With Frustrating People (from “Emotional Freedom”)

When someone frustrates you, always take a breath first before you react. Decide if you want to talk now or wait to calm down. If you’re highly reactive and upset, have the discussion later when you’re calmer Then you’ll be more persuasive and less threatening. At that time use this approach:

Tip #1. Focus on a specific issue--don’t escalate or mount a personal attack.
For instance, “I feel frustrated when you promise to do something but there isn’t follow-through.” No resorting to threats or insults. In an even, non-blaming tone, lead with how the behavior makes you feel rather than how you think the other person is wrong.

Tip #2. Listen non-defensively without reacting or interrupting.
It’s a sign of respect to hear a person’s point of view, even if you disagree. Avoid an aggressive tone or body language. Try not to squirm with discomfort or to judge.

Tip #3. Intuit the feelings behind the words.
When you can appreciate someone’s motivation, it’s easier to be patient. Try to sense if this person is frightened, insecure, up against a negative part of themselves they’ve never confronted. If so, realize this can be painful. See what change they’re open to.

Tip #4. Respond with clarity and compassion.
This attitude takes others off the defensive so they’re more comfortable admitting their part in causing frustration. Describe everything in terms of remedies to a specific task, rather then generalizing. State your needs. For instance, “I’d really appreciate you not shouting at me even if I disappoint you.” If the person is willing to try, show how pleased you are. Validate their efforts: “Thanks for not yelling at me. I really value your understanding.” See if the behavior improves. If not, you may have to minimize contact and/or expectations.

In communication, patience is a powerful emotional currency. As you’re more able to tolerate the discomfort of frustration and not blow it by acting out, your relationships will function on a higher level. In any interchange, always define what you’re after. Is it to resolve a specific frustrating behavior? To say “no” to participating in a dead-end pattern? Or is it to simply to convey your feelings without expectation of change? Even if the frustration is irresolvable, patience sets the right tone to treat others and yourself respectfully.

Click on link to watch a video clip on how to Transform Frustration with Patience

Adapted from Dr. Judith Orloff’s NY Times bestseller “Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life” (Three Rivers Press, 2011)

In my medical practice, I’ve developed enormous respect for the art of relationships, what makes them work or fail. In all successful relationships, whether with family, friends, or co-workers it’s vital that each person honestly examine his or her behavior and be willing to discuss it and change.

In this spirit, I find it useful to regularly assess how we’re relating to others--specifically if our behavior may be draining. In my book “Emotional Freedom” I discuss different types of draining people you may encounter who I call “emotional vampires.” These include, for instance, the chronic talker, the narcissist, and the drama queen. (See my blog, “Who's the Emotional Vampire in Your Life?”) But inevitably, we’ve all got a bit of vampire in us, especially when we’re stressed. So, give yourself a break. It’s admirable to admit, “I think I’m draining my spouse. What can I do?” You can’t begin to make changes in your life without this type of honesty. The solution is to own up to where you may be draining--then change the behavior. As a psychiatrist, I believe it’s those with real power who can step up first to surrender their ego, admit shortcomings, all in service of loving communication.

For instance, one of my patients, in computer graphics, kept hammering his wife with a poor-me attitude about how he always got stuck with boring projects at work. Instead of trying to improve the situation, he just kvetched. She started dreading those conversations, and diplomatically mentioned it to him. This motivated my patient to address the issue with his supervisor, which got him more stimulating assignments. Similarly, whenever I slip into vampire mode, I try to examine and alter my behavior or else discuss the particulars with a friend or a therapist so I can change. Don’t hesitate to seek assistance when you’re stumped.

To find out if you’re behavior is draining take the Am I an Emotional Vampire Quiz (from Emotional Freedom )

Listed below are some common indications that you’re becoming an emotional vampire. Mark “Yes” or “No” for each of the questions and give yourself one point for every “Yes” response.

Results of the Quiz:
Give each “yes” response one point and count up your score.

Your Score: 0
Congratulations! There are no signs that you are being an emotional vampire.

Your Score: 1
This behavior could be draining others. Start being mindful of when you do this and begin to shift the behavior. Then see if people are relieved.

Your Score: 2
These are warning signs that you may becoming emotionally draining to others. Ask yourself what is motivating you to engage is these draining behaviors and move forward to make positive changes.

Your Score: 3
You are showing some emotional vampire tendencies. It is time to compassionately examine your behaviors and begin to make a change. Do not beat yourself up. Be proud that you can be emotionally honest and want to be more positive.

Your Score: 4
You are showing moderate emotional vampire tendencies. Take a breath. Begin to tackle each behavior individually over time and take baby steps to change. For instance, if you tend to be self-obsessed you can begin to ask others about themselves. Celebrate every change you make to be supportive.

Your Score: 5
You are showing moderate-strong emotional vampire behaviors. You may ask your loved ones if they feel drained by a specific behavior--such as nagging or being critical. Then you can begin to be mindful of when you fall into it and start to change.

Your Score: 6
You are showing strong emotional vampire behaviors. You may ask your loved ones if they feel drained by a specific behavior--such as being negative but being unwilling to get help. Seriously consider their suggestions about how to improve your communication. Be compassionate with yourself all along the way.

Your Score: 7
You are showing strong to extremely strong emotional vampire behaviors. Be kind to yourself and set out to make small changes to improve one behavior at a time.

Your Score: 8
You have extremely strong emotional vampire behaviors that can be draining others in your life. Commend yourself for your honesty, but begin to understand what motivates you. Is it fear? Feeling less-than? Anger? Don't hesitate to ask for help--from friends who can offer honest feedback or a therapist. People around you will appreciate the positive changes you make.

The remedy for these draining behaviors is to start shifting your attitude. Journaling about this can help. Ask yourself, “Is there a particular trigger that creates the situation? If so, then how can you avoid the trigger? How can you become aware of when you fall into this attitude? Are there people you respect who could help you?” Now write out an action plan to shift these attitudes. Remember to be kind to yourself and begin with small changes – baby steps. Taking action can help solve the problem quickly as opposed to many emotional vampires who stay stuck in patterns for years. I promise: your relatives, friends, and coworkers will appreciate your efforts and your relationships will dramatically improve!

Click on link to watch video on How to Spot Energy Vampires

Are you longing for relationships that do your heart good and generate stronger connections? In my book, Positive Energy I discuss how to radically improve your health and relationships by bringing positive people and situations into your life. Knowing about energy can transform your ability to build positive relationships, prevent loneliness and ward off fatigue. By making the energetic shifts described here, you can draw good things to you.

Law No. 1: We attract who we are.

The more positive energy we give off, the more we’ll receive. Ditto for negativity. It works like this: Love attracts love. Grumpiness attracts grumpiness. Passion attracts passion. Rage attracts rage.

First, define what being positive does and doesn’t mean for you in terms of attitude and behavior. Don’t worry if you’re far from a positive place. It’s an evolution. Give thought to what you value most in yourself or other. You can then strengthen these traits in yourself, and attract the same.

The idea is to find reciprocally nourishing interactions, not to win a popularity contest. (Of course, it feels good to be liked. But I’ve seen this need turn into addiction.) The following exercise will help you boost your positive signals.

Law No. 2: Intuition clarifies smart choices.

Relationships are tricky; they can be a big blur even when your eyes are open. We’ve learned to draw conclusions from surface data: how nice someone seems, looks or is educated, or how a situation adds up on paper. But attraction goes deeper; to make it work for you, other ingredients must be considered. Respect your intuitions about relationships and identify those that highlight compatible matches.

What may obscure the picture is anxiety or intense sexual attraction. If so, go slow until you get a keener intuitive read. In my book, Positive Energy I give exercises to help train you to act from instinct, not impulse.

Law No. 3: Seeing the best in people magnetizes them.

Instead of reflexively accentuating the worst in a person or situation, choose to energize positive qualities. The object isn’t to flatter, make nice, be politically correct or ignore intuitive red flags – nor to deny someone’s dark side or placate abusers. Your goal is to mine the gold in positive relationships and elevate the communication in more difficult ones.

We want to have the goodness in us acknowledges. If you want to connect with someone, notice his or her assets. Let’s say a co-worker is snitty. Realize that happy people don’t act this way. So instead of being snitty back or constantly miffed, redirect the energy. Comment on the long hours she puts in, or her dynamite shoes. Use this approach for a week – as well as the ones below – and watch the vibes change.

Law No. 4: Soulful giving generates abundance.

Giving is supposed to feel good; if not, something’s wrong. Soulful giving enlarges your capacity to be more caring – you give for the joy of it, expecting nothing in return. In contrast, codependent giving bleeds life force; it’s driven by obligation, guilt or a martyr-complex, and it leaves the giver feeling sucked dry, unappreciated and put upon.

You want to give for reasons that energize you, not because you’re taking inappropriate responsibility for others. The following strategies will generate bountiful vibes for you and the receiver. If you give from your heart, your vitality will soar.

Use these “laws” to mobilize excellence and kindness in your relationships. Emphatically say “no” to anything that doesn’t further the heart. Cheer each success. Don’t cheat your joy by jumping too quickly to the next ambition. Instead, pledge to value even the tiniest of triumphs. That’s what the art of positive living is about.

Adapted from Dr. Judith Orloff's Guide to Intuitive Healing: 5 Steps to Physical, Emotional, and Sexual Wellness

In my book “Guide to Intuitive Healing” I discuss the difference between lust and love as well as techniques to enhance sexual wellness. Pure lust is based solely on physical attraction and fantasy--it often dissipates when the “real person” surfaces. It’s the stage of wearing rose colored glasses when he or she “can do no wrong.” Being in love doesn’t exclude lust. In fact, lust can lead to love. However, real love, not based on idealization or projection, requires time to get to know each other. Here are some signs to watch for to differentiate pure lust from love.

Another challenge of sexual attraction is learning to stay centered and listen to your gut in the early stages of being with someone. This isn’t easy in the midst of hormones surging, but it’s essential to make healthy relationship decisions. Here are some tips to help you keep your presence of mind when you’re attracted to someone. This needn’t pull the plug on passion, but it’ll make you more aware so you don’t go looking for trouble.

Watch for:

Over the years, I’ve spoken at women’s prisons and domestic violence centers. My talk, "How Listening to Your Gut Can Prevent Domestic Violence," focuses on showing women how to identify and act on their inner voice. The gut senses a potential for kindness and violence. Many women who'd been in abusive relationships admitted, "My gut initially told me something was wrong--but I ignored it." The pattern was consistent. They'd say, "I'd meet a man. At first he'd be charming, sexy, sweep me off my feet. The electricity between us was amazing. I'd write off the voice in my gut that said 'you better watch out' as fear of getting involved. When later the abuse began, I was already hooked." Some gut instincts though, are anything but subtle. On a first date, one woman landed in the hospital with an IV, retching from "psychosomatic" abdominal pain. But did that stop her from seeing the guy? No. From these women we gain a real-world lesson: no matter how irresistibly attractive someone appears, close attention to your gut will enable you to see beneath exteriors.

It’s so much nicer to be involved with someone your gut likes. Then you’re not always guarding against a basic suspicion or incompatibility. You must also give yourself permission to listen to your gut when it says, “This person is healthy for you. You are going to make each other happy.” To be happy, take a risk, but also pay attention to the warning signs I presented. This allows you to wisely go for the fulfilling relationships you deserve.

CLICK ON LINK TO WATCH A VIDEO ON HOW TO MAKE INTUITIVE DECISIONS.