(Excerpt from The Genius of Empathy by Judith Orloff, MD)
In healthy relationships, you don’t have to work so hard emotionally all the time.
Codependency can be defined as a relationship that has become so unhealthily enmeshed that people lose their individual strength and power. Typically, a person with codependent traits feels overly responsible for others and picks up the slack in relationships and at work. They want everyone to be happy. So they go overboard and become people pleasers and peacemakers in their relationships. They have difficulty asserting their own needs for fear of rejection or disapproval.
If you’re a codependent giver, it can be difficult to step back and let others learn from their mistakes. Though you mean well, you want to overhelp or fix people, or believe that you need to intervene. You might have learned this habit from living with someone who is struggling with drinking or who has narcissism or experiences anxiety.
Not all Codependent Givers are Empaths
Many caring people have codependent tendencies, but not all codependent givers are empaths. Codependency is more an instinct to overgive and caretake than an indicator of how much empathy someone has. You can be a codependent without being an empath. Empaths absorb the stress and symptoms of others, not something all codependents do. Commonly, however, both may struggle to set boundaries and perceive others as being separate. Their healing involves learning to be attentive listeners without feeling that it is their job to take on another’s problems.
Codependent givers have good intentions and genuinely want to help, but they tend to neglect their own needs and overgive to the point of exhaustion, even to people who treat them poorly. They are at risk of becoming martyrs. Giving is supposed to feel good. If it doesn’t, something is off.
Evaluate your mode of giving using the traits below so that the gift of being of service to others can feel more balanced and gratifying.
Traits of a Codependent Giver from The Genius of Empathy
The more traits you identify with, the higher you tend to be a codependent giver and experience empathy overload. Having even one trait suggests some codependency is present. Be gentle with yourself. Begin to balance how much you give and receive. Your goal is to express empathy in a balanced way and feel good.